more gain even in the loss: togetherness
is this really happening?
grandsons
five grandsons staying for the final goodbye
too young to be pall bearers, the twins watch with sober quiet as grandpa’s casket is brought into the church
When left to myself I tend to daydream. I can sit for a long time and do nothing at all.
This propensity, combined with a new phenomena as of September, is not healthy for me. The lives of my children are now ordered around a school calendar and from 8:30a-2:30p I’m not changing diapers, making lunch, cleaning up lunch, homeschooling, reading stories, playing games — or directly mothering in any way. Weird. While my responsibilities have changed, they are no less pressing. Well I guess that’s the point, they are less pressing. If I fail at them the consequences are less immediate and noticeable (a baby won’t scream/starve, a child won’t stay illiterate). However they are equally serious. If my mind wanders in prayer, my loved ones remain uncovered. If I do crafts instead of laundry, home will continue to be a place of chaos instead of a refuge of calm and order. If I linger in the store aisles reading all the labels, dinner will be late.
I am all about living a life of grace and guilt free. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Rom 8:1) But I keep coming back to this: there is sowing and reaping! I am not trying to heap ‘mommy guilt’ on myself; I am trying to avoid foolishness. “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” (Eph 5:15-17) I need to also live a life of purpose and diligence, even when my callings are not pressing upon me. Therefore, my {UN}Word for 2014 is {UN}Idle.
Idle means: “of no real worth, importance, or significance.” These are not words that I want to describe my life, my hours, or even my moments. A car that idles is wasting gas and going nowhere; “to operate at a low speed, disengaged form the load.” My prayer is that I will feel the load and engage. I chose idle for its mechanical connotations, its less derogatory than sloth, lazy, and indolent. An indolent person is naturally disposed to avoid exertion, and this is not me. I enjoy hard work when I’m doing it. The lazy person is also averse to work, and especially continued application. Once I start, I am thorough to completion, sometimes to the annoyance of others. Sloth denotes a reprehensible unwillingness to carry one’s share of the burden. This is not me; no, I am carrying a large variety of the burdens of others all the time, willingly so (by the grace of God.)
But I do need to stop staring out the window, and get in gear. I have viewed the latter part of 2013 as a type of sabbatical, as I literally have switched gears and have for the first time in 20 years NOT had as much pressing. But that season is over. “She lived a life of ‘going-to-do’ and died with nothing done” is not what I want on my tombstone and is not God’s will for my life either.
This little fella is a model for me. He’s a dreamer and he spends a lot of time envisioning what he’s going to do. But then he does it. He’s always, always accomplishing something.
Rather than merely {UN}Idle, I’d also like my life in 2014 to be positively marked by words such as:
faithful
purposeful
diligent
focussed
industrious
worthwhile
and
wise.
But definitely {UN}Idle.
